At 19 I Felt So Lost .................

Melissa,

First of all before anything else, I would like to thank My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, for my salvation and for his keeping power.
He came into my life about 6 ½ years ago, when My life seemed hopeless and dark.

It was my 19th birthday, and even though my family was going to get together to celebrate it with me, I had no joy, and was not looking forward to another year. I felt lost and tired of struggling to make my life make sense. I had felt this way for quite some time now, and couldn’t really remember a birthday at which I had felt optimistic and fulfilled.
In fact I can recall at 10 years of age, coming to the conclusion that I had been dealt a bad hand. My father saw to it that we had all the best of material things. We all learned to like quality, brand names, and expensive things. Both my parents were at home, but like many other families we had issues.

I had an uncle that was really nice to me, He made me feel important. I liked visiting him and his family because he showed me love and attention. I felt safe with his family. I thought, “this is a good man.” One night while we were all sleeping, This uncle molested me. He betrayed me and the sadness, anger and confusion that followed was unbearable.
I can remember him threatening me that I better not tell, if I told I would, “get it!” He said no one would believe me anyway.
I was afraid, in shock and wanted to go home, I cried and said I wasn’t feeling well and asked to be taken home. I didn’t tell.
I was left feeling dirty, I would take many showers trying to remove this feeling, yet I never felt clean.
One feeling that always permeated my being was anger! I began to display many troubling symptoms. But no one noticed what was really going on. Many times I wanted to tell, but I was scared and believed him when he said no one would believe me.
I was choking with the pain and the loneliness I felt.
After he molested me, other incidents of molestation with other individuals happened. I felt like a dirty target, and that this was the reason I seemed to attract these victimizers. I began to hate men and felt they could not be trusted.
At school it affected me a lot. While walking around on campus I felt that somehow people could see it on my face. I had a very difficult time focusing on my studies and soon fell behind.

Life at home wasn’t any better. Even though my dad had always been affectionate with me he suddenly began to push me away. He stopped showing me affection, and yelled at me a lot. When I got around him, I sensed he somehow disapproved of me.
The only explanation I could come up with, was that he knew I was dirty.

I felt rejected and unimportant, Even in school. I was the only Hispanic in my class. The other kids didn’t like me. I didn’t fit in. I began to develop too quickly and this brought on unwanted attention. The other kids would make fun of me.
Middle school was even worse. On the first day of school they boys began to sexually harass me. This only increased my anger and discomfort towards males .
Because I was very developed I was harassed daily. The boys would grope or say things to me. The girls didn’t like me because of the attention I got. I hated school and would become physically sick every morning at the thought of a new day.

I needed love so bad I began dating, I thought maybe someone would love me for me and this would fill the emptiness I lived with daily. The young teenage boys that I went out with only hurt me more. I found out that teenage boys are only after one thing. To me this was a repeat of the violations that I had experienced, so the anger would rise up within me when they would try to do anything with me. I refused to participate in any sexual activity, Consequently this would usually drive them away and I would be left with a broken heart. I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
At 14 years of age, I was so filled with rage that if anyone even looked at me I lashed out at them. I was through being hurt and was determined that no one would ever hurt me again!
At fifteen, I had isolated myself completely. I was very depressed and tried committing suicide. I had tried before, but this time I was so determined that I slit my wrists. My parents thought I just wanted attention, The school couldn’t get rid of me fast enough, they put me on home studies and sent me to a councilor.
I didn’t benefit from the counseling, I felt that everything that I was going through was so personal, the councilor was a stranger and I felt no real concern from him. I couldn’t pour my deepest emotions out to a stranger. I went to 3 sessions. I hated every one of them. I didn’t want to deal with all that was troubling me, it was too much and so overwhelming. I stopped going to counseling.

My life continued to go down hill. I sometimes would wish someone would just run me over or kill me in some other way so that my suffering would stop. In order to cope I took on the “I don’t care attitude”.
I began to self destruct, staying out all night, taking rides from strangers, experiment with drugs, not wanting to go home or to school.
At 16 years of age, I met this boy and we became good friends. I was able to share many things with him that I couldn’t share with anyone else. He listened to me and seemed to care, and understand. We became inseparable. Since we were always together, we both stayed out of trouble. I really felt that I had finally found someone who loved me. Things seemed good.
But then I got pregnant. My parents were so upset! I had disappointed them. My father would not talk to me until I was 5 months pregnant.
We decided to get married. I had a big wedding, but my Dad didn’t attend. I was sad. Here was one of the most special days in a girls life and he wasn’t even there. I knew I had let him down and hurt him by getting pregnant.
Eventually he got over it and started talking to me again.
We moved in with my parents, but my husband got a job and we saved up money to move out. We got our own place and the baby came a month later. Here we were, both 18 years old, married, with a child and all the responsibilities that come with a family.
Neither of us were ready for all this and we began to see the results of the added responsibility. We didn’t know how to handle the stress, we began arguing a lot. We fought constantly and our fights soon became physical. He would be in and out of the house. We would get back together and then I would kick him out again.
He still wanted to go out with his friends stay out and drink. I didn’t trust him. I was so hurt and disappointed, and once again I felt alone. I didn’t want this kind of life for our daughter. All I had wanted was a happy home. But instead, Sadness was my constant companion.
Finally I just gave up. I’d had enough of the fighting and the on again off again relationship. During one of our fights he was put in jail for domestic abuse. He hated me for it. I did my best to complete my high school education, but eventually it got to much for me and I dropped out.
We separated for 3 months and I started to file for divorce. How sad, we weren’t even married a year and already it was over.
Once again I was deeply depressed. Most days I would just stay home with my baby and cry. I was desperate for a solution. I remember many nights falling on my knees and asking God for help. I would ask, “why is my life so sad? Why don’t you rescue me from this misery? If you are real, then please help me.”
I didn’t receive the magical cure all. So I thought God couldn’t hear my cry or if he did he must not care.
But you know what? He was hearing me. My husband and I decided to work things out. Not too long after that while He and I were walking to a party We ran into some Christians who were passing out flyers on a street corner. One of the guys started talking to my husband and his wife started talking to me. They were telling us that God could help us. They invited us to church and gave us the address and phone number.
We Didn’t go right away. The day of my 19th b-day we got into a big fight. I couldn’t forget what the guy and the girl had said that day on the street corner. Could all this be true? Could God help us? Could he make sense out of this mess.
I picked up the phone and called the number from the church. The Pastor’s wife answered and I began to pour my heart out to her. I didn’t even know her and here I was pouring me heart out to her, telling her all that was going on. She listened and then helped me to see that God did love me, and that if I gave Jesus Christ my life he would begin to do the work in my life.
Now I know this was a divine appointment, and that God had heard my prayers and he had seen my tears.
I accepted Jesus Christ into my life that day and started attending church, soon my husband also gave his life to Jesus Christ and we both started attending church faithfully. (even though the service was still held in the Pastors living room, every message seemed tailor made for us, It felt personal. Pastor Clem and sister Maria spent a lot of time counseling and encouraging us in the beginning. But there was no doubt that God was working in our lives. He began a process of mending our lives individually and also mending our marriage.

I have hope and direction now. I know that I am a new creation in Jesus Christ. God has done so much in my life. I am not the same person that came to him that day almost 7 years ago. I see his loving hand at work in me, in my marriage, even in my family that hasn’t yet given their lives to Jesus, Yet.
I still have hard times, But God has given me courage to face whatever comes and as I trust in him he renews my strength. He gives me peace and joy and I know I stand secure in him.
I also thank him for placing me in such a great fellowship and under such good leadership. My Pastors are wonderful, they are warriors in the kingdom of God. I have witnessed their faithfulness and commitment to God and to God’s people.
I know that all glory and honor goes to God for what he has done. But God uses people and he has used my Pastors to have a great impact in my husband’s and my life through their love, correction, friendship, but most of all their great example.
I look forward to whatever God has for my husband and I and our 4 lovely girls!
He is still working and preparing us to be used by him for his purpose and his will and we are blessed!